There are probably a great many of you that are profoundly curious as how exactly the experts here at APGNation manage to designate such acute review scores with such objectivity, such truth, and such profound wisdom and lack of bias. After watching Jesse’s video review where he gave a surprisingly mediocre score to the highly anticipated hit, Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number, you probably said to yourself “Wow, I love Hotline Miami, but this guy has such an alluring voice and speaks such truth I can’t help but believe him.” When you read Doug’s review of Five Nights at Freddies 3 you probably say out loud “Wow, I know I’ve already played the two previous titles from less than a year ago, but I can’t help but be convinced I need to scare the crap out of myself a third time around!”. Of course when you read one of Nicole’s reviews for the latest “moeblob” crap to be funneled out of Japan you practically squee, “Oh my goodness, I haven’t cracked a smile in years but all these cute girls doing cute things makes me want to mindlessly consume anything with NIS America’s logo on it!”.
Our E-mails are constantly buzzing non-stop after every review, and each message all says roughly the same thing. “Dear APGNation, I am blown away by the accuracy of all your review scores. It’s as if god himself peers over your shoulder and whispers the true score the game deserves. Next time he’s there can you ask him why he keeps delaying The Witcher 3 and ask him to let it come out already?”
I might be a new young up-and-coming writer here at APGNation, but I’ve managed to convince the bigwigs at corporate to finally divulge the secret to the completely objective and unbiased reviews we bestow upon the products we examine. Behold the face of truth.
We here at APGNation are well aware that our various ethical combinations and genders leave us at risk for a plethora of various biases, and with the current state of video game journalism and reviews, we really cannot risk the potential for bias by not remaining one hundred percent objective for each game. At the same time, we understand that we always have a bias due to our various status as cis-het-homo-nonconformist-conformist-human-lactonormative identities when examining art regardless of how objective we try to be! For example, look at our review of Hyper-Dimension Neptunia: Rebirth 2 in which Nicole refused to use the review dragon. The only reason she gave a low score was because it contained an otherkin catgirl moeblob character! The fact such bigotry snuck through our editor board appalls me!
The Review Process
So here’s how the process works. Firstly, the review dragon plays the game intended for review. None of us writers or contributors actually play the games, we just observe the review dragon and try to interpret the enigma that is her review process. The games just flow before her, and we writers are there to enjoy the ride. Some of you readers might be asking yourself at this point “Wait, if the dragon is reviewing all the games, why are each of your names on each review?” That’s because each article is not so much a review, as an interpretation of how we believe the review dragon came to a score conclusion for each game. Therefore, since it’s an interpretation, it’s technically our own writing. Over one hundred percent ethical.
After the review, the lizard has consumed what she believes to be an adequate amount of the game — she takes her place on the Official APGNation Review Mat™ (Formerly known as the Kataku Review Mat™) to administer her score. In order to communicate what is the pure objective, non-prejudice, and bias-free review rating acceptable for the title, she places a claw on the corresponding number on the Official APGNation Review Mat©. It is then up to the writer to justify the score, as indicated by the review dragon.
In order to maintain financial stability required for the care of the review dragon — developers may provide a substantial donation to APGNation in exchange for incentives to be placed upon higher scores. But do not worry, unbeknownst to developers the review dragon is not interested in petty bribes, but only in pure objectivity.
So there you have it readers, this is the scaly voice of reason and how we maintain such objectivity in our reviews. I hope you all learned an important lesson today. That the best opinions regarding the video games you should play come from those who are nothing like you.